Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
