i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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