Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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