Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
