When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
