then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet