My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?