Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!