i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
