I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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