my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
