I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
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I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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