john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
