I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
