Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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