Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just threw up on my dentist
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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