Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
