Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?