Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.