it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
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Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.