I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
