My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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