im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Boobs are out for the taking
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
