Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
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I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
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we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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