why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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