my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I can't turn off my feet"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
