dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They took my balls.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
