Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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