tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
