how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
