Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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