I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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