Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
