does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
No...this little piggys going to the bar
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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