she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
