my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
