She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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