I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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