i just wanna soil my oats bro
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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