true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
