I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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