you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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