you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize