I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
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Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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