It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
