So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This is my gift to your gina
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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