On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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