if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
