the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
