I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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