So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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