The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
