Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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