Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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