So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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