This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
