I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
