I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
