I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
