I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
