He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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