Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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