best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
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I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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